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The Personal Blog of Peter Filias

Two AWESOME jokes!

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My buddy, Kevin, sent me these. I’ve only included two of the five he sent.

Number 4A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics… He asks her
about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book. It says that
American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in
bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” “Tonto Papadopoulos,
nice to meet you.”

Number 2Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s
wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh…she got fired too.”

Funny Football Joke

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My buddy, Mark, sent me this:

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could guarantee them a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!” “I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!”

Stages of an Employee

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Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long
lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life is great!

Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to friends, “I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation”. Considers a $25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on occasion. Life is pretty good.

Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless projects, like changing “Systems Group” to “Technology Group” in all company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers. Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise and small promotion. Life is good.

Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.

Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives all self-esteem from company and superiors’ approbation. Spends entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is stressful.

Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the success of the firm. Doesn’t enjoy work anymore even though the salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day. Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn’t want to give up the wide screen TV. Doesn’t know what to do on a day off. Life is hell.

Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always works late in order to do the real work that can’t be done during the day. Has 5 times as many business outfits as friends. Home life starts to break down. Life is stressful.

Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords. Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client. Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets, unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life is OK.

Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings. Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf with other Upper Managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public transportation. Life is good.

Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to come to work because it’s fun. Says things like, “We need more market penetration in Liberia” and over the next few months, it happens. If it doesn’t, the executive must do even more work by saying, “Why don’t we have market penetration in Liberia?” Magically, it happens and executive is called a visionary. Life is great!

Morphing

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I was watching The Screen Savers the other night for the first time in a quite a while. They had Sarah go over morphing pictures and she shared with us the free download. Snag it here.